If you would like to submit any of your own jokes (and get your name in this page), please e-mail me.
Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
- One to write the light bulb removal program,
- One to write the light bulb insertation program, and
- One to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a truckload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three:
- One to find a bulb specialist,
- One to find a bulb installation specialist, and
- One to bill it all to a Medicare
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has to really want to change.
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two and a professor to take credit.
Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw i a light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One - but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100 - ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank," and 20% of the definitions are of the form "...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks."
Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two thirds
Q: How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on what you want to change it into.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, it turned itself in.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000.
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven - Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
a reward the landing party is set free and given all the light bulbs
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et al. The new bulb is inserted,
and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission. 
Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 151 - one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: one.
Q: How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb joke?
A: Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted to
the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it
will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2 .
Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no
submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been
submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability
that it will change in a given week is .08. So it takes about
12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke.
Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another light bulb joke?
A: 1,622 - One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it!
Q: How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: 1000 - One to submit the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does
it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem."
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
Q: How many sexists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: They have the women to do it for them.
Other Jokes
Mary had a little lamb, the doctors were astounded! (MW)
What did the duck say when he wanted to buy a newspaper?
"Stick it on my bill!"
What do you call a sheep without legs?
A cloud!
What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?
A headbanger.
How do you confuse an Irishman?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner! (N/O)
A rabbit went into a grocers one day and asked for some brocolli, the shopkeeper said, "No, but there will be some in two weeks". The next day the rabbit came in again for some brocolli and the shopkeeper again said, "No, but there will be some in two weeks". Anyway, this happened for many days until the shopkeeper became really annoyed with the rabbit. This day, the rabbit came in asking for some brocolli. The shopkeeper said "Spell 'Fan' as in 'Fantastic'", and the rabbit spelt F,A,N. Then the shopkeeper said "Spell 'Cat' as in 'Catastrophy'", and the rabbit spelt C,A,T. After this, the shopkeeper said "Spell 'F' as in 'Brocolli'". The rabbit thought for a while, and then said "But there ain't no 'F'in Brocolli", and the shopkeeper said "That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last few days."!!! (R1)
There are two cows in the same field. One says to the other, "It's bad news about this BSE isn't it."
And the other one says, "Not for me mate, I'm a squirrel!"